The Terrace

Here at The Terrace, Stephen Handley is one of the players that personifies the mid-nineties. When we hear another rockin’ verse of The Cat Attack, we’re immediately haunted by a vision of Handles, kicking three goals in junk time during the latter half of the ’95 grand final. It’s fair to say Handles seems to have copped a verbal belting more times that you can say Kent Kingsley was a crap full forward. But, really, was Handles all that bad?

He played 73 games between ’92 and ’96, kicked 23 goals and, believe it or not, picked up 4 Brownlow votes over the course of three games in the 1992 season. He missed out on the grand final that year, but was part of the ’94 and ’95 grand final sides. Some blame Handles for those losses, but we think that’s a bit rough. I mean, one handle don’t maketh the bar, does it? Ultimately, Handles won’t be remembered for much at KP, but at least the Coodabean’s penned a nice story about him. Handles, we salute you. And your fierce haircut.

Australia loves big things. The Prawn, the pineapple, sharks, the ‘G and the jPod to name a few. But how often do we ask the big questions? Is there a God? Does he have a son? Do I inhabit a meaningful universe if he is no longer part of it?

With more angles than a Stevie J GPS reading, the task of extrapolating, defending and understanding how we would cope on an emotional, social and physical level without our junior is near impossible to anticipate. The speculation has been constant and still continues. We at The Terrace have wrung out every drop from our army of blue and white informants and still we are not placated.

Like a successories poster hanging in your psyche, we remind ourselves that the one thing we can control is our attitude. Therefore we have accepted (on one level) that he may leave us in pursuit of mammon. We fear an emotional bottleneck if we haven’t appropriately worked through the ‘what if’ if it were to become a ‘what is.’

If we grieve now, then we are prepared and the chance of tears at unwelcome public moments (in the future) is minimised. If he stays, then the chance of a life-size 29 tattoo on the back becomes a possibility.

There are a number of key stages when grieving, known as the ‘grief cycle.’ They include shock, denial, anger, loss, despair and acceptance. For the moment we don’t know where we sit in that cycle (possibly right of anger), but crushing the pies on Friday can only help.

Joffa is a knob.

Whilst we’re at it, check out some footage from Sam Newman’s 300th game at KP waaaaay back in 1980. Rumour has it there were 40,000 punters in attendance!

The winner really isn’t Sydeney, but it would have been nice to see if Juan Antonio Samaranch got the gist of our rhyming slangfest. Unlikely. Speaking of presidents, did anyone read the article about Edwardo McGuire and the torrent of abuse at the latest Collingwood AGM? Great stuff.

And is it really true that Cameron Cloke is the key to port power’s premiership campaign for 2010? Ho ho.

Anyhow, on a more serious note, Harmsy has been poring over the swag of slangathon entries in an attempt to pick a diamond from what he described as “a superb field”. Some of the better entries were:

Jamie Lamb – (Christmas) Ham
Jimmy Bartel – (Cosy) cartel
James Kelly – (New York) deli
Scratcher Neal – (Potato) Peel
Cameroon Mooney – (Psychotic) Looney
Billy Goggin – (Kid’s) Toboggan
Rod Blake – (Well-done) steak
James McLure – (Salmon) Lure
Dwayne Russell – (Love) Muscle
Andrew Bews – (Geelong) News
Paul Couch – (Money) Pouch
David Mensch – Bench
Joel Corey – (Morning) Glory
Reg Hickey – Sicky
Spiro Malakellis – Well, that’s just too hard.
Matthew Scarlett – (Toe-poke) starlet
Micky Turner – (Slow) learner
Brett Spinks – (Round of) drinks

And the winner is…’Jimmy’ with: “i don’t know about you – but I was a bit Ian Nankervis (nervous) when she was all tied up in the last quarter on Sept 26……”. Great work, Jimmy. It was a tough call and you got extra credit for your fine sentence construct. Your Almanac will be in the post – once you tell us where you live!

For anyone who wants a special Terrace deal on the Almanac (we can’t remember the discount but it was a sweet deal!), contact the Footy Almanac @ footyalmanac@bigpond.com for more details.

Yours christmasfully,

The Terrace

Here at The Terrace, we’ve decided it’s time one of our valued and loyal readers get something back for nothing. Not that anyone pays to read this, but that’s another story. We’re offering you the chance to win the very popular 2009 Footy Almanac. Courtesy of editors John Harms and Paul Daffey, it’s the ideal companion for a mojito on Corio Bay beach during the festive season. You can relive the glory of our Grand Final victory no less than 5 times (there are five reviews of the game).

Don't judge the book by its cover - we all know he is a knob.

Here’s a teaser to get you salivating:

“Saturday. Early arvo. I am having a couple of nerve-settlers in the cricketers Bar at the Windsor. It’s full of Geelong supporters. We farewell a bloke in his motorised wheelchair about to make his way down Spring Street. Cheers. It’s like Albany in 1914. I walk. A Japanese tourist, a beautiful women in her mid-twenties, has unwittingly worn a clinging blue-and-white hooped top. Geelong fans are stopping to have their photo taken with her. She is utterly, uttlery perplexed…”

To WIN, all you need to do is leave a comment at the bottom of this post with some rhyming slang that ties in with Geelong FC (player, place, anything). Here are a couple to get you started:

• Buddha Hocking – Christmas stocking
• Gary Ablett – Panadol tablet
• Max Rook – Rookery nook
• Austin McCrabb – VB slab

The winning slang, judged by Harmsy this Friday (we haven’t asked him but are hoping he’ll do us a favour!), will take home the bacon. Or Footy Almanac. Well, you know what we mean.

Happy slanging,

The Terrace