The Terrace

Australia loves big things. The Prawn, the pineapple, sharks, the ‘G and the jPod to name a few. But how often do we ask the big questions? Is there a God? Does he have a son? Do I inhabit a meaningful universe if he is no longer part of it?

With more angles than a Stevie J GPS reading, the task of extrapolating, defending and understanding how we would cope on an emotional, social and physical level without our junior is near impossible to anticipate. The speculation has been constant and still continues. We at The Terrace have wrung out every drop from our army of blue and white informants and still we are not placated.

Like a successories poster hanging in your psyche, we remind ourselves that the one thing we can control is our attitude. Therefore we have accepted (on one level) that he may leave us in pursuit of mammon. We fear an emotional bottleneck if we haven’t appropriately worked through the ‘what if’ if it were to become a ‘what is.’

If we grieve now, then we are prepared and the chance of tears at unwelcome public moments (in the future) is minimised. If he stays, then the chance of a life-size 29 tattoo on the back becomes a possibility.

There are a number of key stages when grieving, known as the ‘grief cycle.’ They include shock, denial, anger, loss, despair and acceptance. For the moment we don’t know where we sit in that cycle (possibly right of anger), but crushing the pies on Friday can only help.

Joffa is a knob.

Whilst we’re at it, check out some footage from Sam Newman’s 300th game at KP waaaaay back in 1980. Rumour has it there were 40,000 punters in attendance!

And in breaking news, Collingwood has recruited another girl, Miranda Kerr, to bolster is struggling playing group. Collingwood Coach, Mick Malthouse, said he was delighted to add another female to the list. “We’ve been looking for another girl to complement our crappy forward line, and Miranda will fit in beautifully. Travis Cloke and Leon Davis play a particularly soft brand of football, so Kerr should provide us with more of the football Collingwood fans are used to.”

Kerr in her first hit out with the 'Pies... (source: Herald-Sun.com.au)

Club President, Eddie McGuire, said Kerr would fit straight into the fickle team culture. “We have spent millions building a prima-donna culture, and our performances on the big stage now show this. This addition should ensure that, despite having the best facilities, a high number of members, big profits and the most home games at the MCG, we will continue to under perform. We are – and all Collingwood supporters should be – delighted that the club is now one step closer to becoming a bunch of girls.” Collingwood members are rumoured to be disconcerted with the latest move; however, McGuire has asked all supporters to express their opinion at the next AGM.

Ms Kerr said she was taking it “one lame club at a time”.

We could spend our Tuesday talking about Collingwood, and the the drivel their players have been drooling for the past day or so, and the fact that Dane Swan is a first-class bogan, that a high percentage of their team share less-than-below-average excuses for christian names (think dane, dayne, tarkyn, sharrod, jarryd, jarrad, steele) and that they have one player with the surname ‘dick’. But, here at The Terrace we are more mature than that.

For now, sit back and enjoy a first-class Gary Ablett Snr audio-visual extravagazza. Top ten marks, top ten marks alternate version, top ten goals, top ten goals alternate version – and first but not last, Gary Ablett’s big hits to the tune of ‘Eye of the Tiger’. The Lester Ellis footage is priceless! If you can spare the time in your high-flying executive day, it really is worth it. Enjoy…

On Thursday night, a supporter behind me constantly referred to a player as Whitney Houston. “I will always love you” sounded like a fitting tribute song for one of our many gallant (and capable) players. When I turned around I noticed this supporter was wearing Black and White and looked one Joffa short of a cheer squad.

After confusing and incessant screaming I span around and asked, “why Whitney?” He replied “Rocca always protects Medhurst, he is like a bodyguard. You know like Kevin Costner to Whitney Houston in that movie.” Brilliant!

Ummm...is that you Paul?

Like The Sphinx at the golfview, sometimes the unlikely just works (the nickname and the human in this case).

Thus Collingwood returned to their role as headline fodder for the tabloids while we wrapped ourselves in a weekend special of the Ablettiser. Order is restored.

Each quarter in four words or less:
1st: I really hate Collingwood
2nd: 8 unanswered, we’re back!
3rd: We’re toying with them
4th: Tomahawk, enjoy your eggs

I’m tipping the walk back to the Lexus centre seemed further than those destined for the City of Dreams.

Next post: The Terrace’s inaugural past-player profile!