The Terrace

KP’s goin’ global

Yea, we’re global!

There are a number of particular things that excite us here at the Terrace: DVD box sets, framed WEG posters, gas-powered confetti guns spewing blue and white…and now the possibility that citizens of the Ivory Coast will know about Australia’s largest non-capital city, Geelong. It might be time to ring the net registry and drop the .au, as KP is going global. The balanced editorial prerogative of the Ablettiser did well to keep a lid on expectation with an opening sentence yesterday stating that KP “may play host to a global audience of almost one billion people.”

Premier Brumby said he had long supported Geelong as the place to host World Cup games. “Geelong boasts the Corio Bay Motel, the Corio Bay Roadhouse and Smorgy’s, making it an ideal location for a World Cup event.”

The question on our lips is: will our country membership get us some standing room at a world cup match at KP?

Yours Globally,

The Terrace

Collingwood recruits another girl

And in breaking news, Collingwood has recruited another girl, Miranda Kerr, to bolster is struggling playing group. Collingwood Coach, Mick Malthouse, said he was delighted to add another female to the list. “We’ve been looking for another girl to complement our crappy forward line, and Miranda will fit in beautifully. Travis Cloke and Leon Davis play a particularly soft brand of football, so Kerr should provide us with more of the football Collingwood fans are used to.”

Kerr in her first hit out with the 'Pies... (source: Herald-Sun.com.au)

Club President, Eddie McGuire, said Kerr would fit straight into the fickle team culture. “We have spent millions building a prima-donna culture, and our performances on the big stage now show this. This addition should ensure that, despite having the best facilities, a high number of members, big profits and the most home games at the MCG, we will continue to under perform. We are - and all Collingwood supporters should be – delighted that the club is now one step closer to becoming a bunch of girls.” Collingwood members are rumoured to be disconcerted with the latest move; however, McGuire has asked all supporters to express their opinion at the next AGM.

Ms Kerr said she was taking it “one lame club at a time”.

The redemptive path

“…he admitted to the public that he was an alcoholic and, after seeking treatment, found a more sensitive side to his character emerging, which included a return to education and an attempt to learn the piano.” Wikipedia entry for Tony Adams, Redeemed English Premier League Legend

It’s fair to say Stokesy and the club have been under seige - insert Steven Segal humour here - over the last few weeks, in many cases unfairly. To be honest, the only path from here to a…errr…reputable reputation is one of true redemption. Here at The Terrace we’ve no doubt Stokesy is already on this high and mighty journey; however, it’s  interesting to look into our archives for some of the more successful – and indeed not so successful - lessons from sporting life. Let’s compare some of the redeemed, not so reedemed, and others who are on the journey to redemption.

Redeemed

Stevie J – Drunk in Wang, 5 weeks off, just call him Normie.
Shane Warne – Affairs, bookmakers, fluid-reducing tablet, 708 test wickets.
Tony Lockett – St Kilda, dishlickers, Peter Caven, Sydney, 1360 goals.
Tony Adams – Arsenal, alcohol, English Premier League Hall of Fame.
Jennifer Capriati – Shoplifting, marijuana, world number 1.
Lester Ellis – World boxing champion, assault and affray, sober.

Not so redeemed

Paul Gascoigne – The other ‘Gazza’, alcohol, dodgy marriage, unfulfilled potential.
Gary Ablett Snr – Needs no explanation.
Hansie Cronje – South African captain, bribes, plane crash.
Diego Maradona – Legend, hand of god, cocaine, Cuba, not a great coach.
Floyd Landis – Tour de France, drugs, sound familiar?
Tonya Harding – Ice skating, baseball bat, Nancy Kerrigan.
Ben Johnson – 1988, 9.79 seconds, steroids.

In the queue for redemption…

Tiger Woods – Golf, $$$, Sex, what next?
Barry Hall – St Kilda, Sydney, Brent Staker (and others), Doggies.
Ben Cousins – West Coast, Such is life, Richmond.

And the list goes on…we’d be interested to hear of more from punters on The Terrace…who are the most redeemed (and not redeemed) sportsmen and women?

Yours redeemingly,

The Terrace

More Stokes jokes

Rumour has it the leadership group have given Mathew a shortlist of ‘full-time’ jobs to choose from. They include:

1. Linesman at Geelong Tennis Club

2. Gary Ablett’s new girlfriend.

3. Traffic supervisor (aka lollypop man) at Kardinia Primary

Pretty lame really. Oh, we also got this photo in the mail.

It’s all a bit harsh, isn’t it?

Stokes Coke Joke

This is kind of funny, in a Friday sort of way.

Gary Jnr, Maria and Cameron

My lovely lady said she saw Gary Jnr on the plasma last night - watching the big game at the tennis. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t with Maria, and I’m very sure he didn’t have a crop of hair. Regardless, we couldn’t resist sharing this snap with the faithful. With all respect to the little master, do you think he looks like Martin Bryant in this photo? Hmmmmm…judge for yourself.

Oh, by the way, great news about Captain Ling hey? We couldn’t think of a more fitting man for the job. Maybe they’ll finally hang our ‘Ling of Fire’ portrait in the hallowed halls of KP? Unlikely…but we can live in hope.

Yours lovlingly,

The Terrace

That was the premiership year that was…

Here at The Terrace, we’ve all had a bumper inaugural year…here’s our top 10 memories from 2009.

1. We discovered that David Mensch is no David Dench - nor a indeed a Mensch.
2. We found a special bound between Anthony Rocca and Whitney Houston.
3. We introduced you to the glorious portrait of John “Olden days’” Scarlett.
4. We left the unwinnable match early – and then we won.
5. We unveiled commemorative marketing genius in its purest form.
6. We found Gary and the sax lounging on the floral couch.
7. We admired the Cameron Ling portrait (aka Ling of Fire).
8. We shared our unique and twisted sense of Coccyx humour.
9. We remembered Bodhi (aka Patrick Swayze) and his special link to the surf coast.
10. We got ROI @ LOI.

Thanking youse for your unwavering love and support throughout the year.

Yours 2010ingly,

The Terrace

And the winner is Sydeney!

The winner really isn’t Sydeney, but it would have been nice to see if Juan Antonio Samaranch got the gist of our rhyming slangfest. Unlikely. Speaking of presidents, did anyone read the article about Edwardo McGuire and the torrent of abuse at the latest Collingwood AGM? Great stuff.

And is it really true that Cameron Cloke is the key to port power’s premiership campaign for 2010? Ho ho.

Anyhow, on a more serious note, Harmsy has been poring over the swag of slangathon entries in an attempt to pick a diamond from what he described as “a superb field”. Some of the better entries were:

Jamie Lamb - (Christmas) Ham
Jimmy Bartel – (Cosy) cartel
James Kelly – (New York) deli
Scratcher Neal – (Potato) Peel
Cameroon Mooney – (Psychotic) Looney
Billy Goggin – (Kid’s) Toboggan
Rod Blake – (Well-done) steak
James McLure – (Salmon) Lure
Dwayne Russell – (Love) Muscle
Andrew Bews – (Geelong) News
Paul Couch – (Money) Pouch
David Mensch - Bench
Joel Corey – (Morning) Glory
Reg Hickey – Sicky
Spiro Malakellis - Well, that’s just too hard.
Matthew Scarlett – (Toe-poke) starlet
Micky Turner – (Slow) learner
Brett Spinks - (Round of) drinks

And the winner is…’Jimmy’ with: “i don’t know about you - but I was a bit Ian Nankervis (nervous) when she was all tied up in the last quarter on Sept 26……”. Great work, Jimmy. It was a tough call and you got extra credit for your fine sentence construct. Your Almanac will be in the post - once you tell us where you live!

For anyone who wants a special Terrace deal on the Almanac (we can’t remember the discount but it was a sweet deal!), contact the Footy Almanac @ footyalmanac@bigpond.com for more details.

Yours christmasfully,

The Terrace

Slangathon

Here at The Terrace, we’ve decided it’s time one of our valued and loyal readers get something back for nothing. Not that anyone pays to read this, but that’s another story. We’re offering you the chance to win the very popular 2009 Footy Almanac. Courtesy of editors John Harms and Paul Daffey, it’s the ideal companion for a mojito on Corio Bay beach during the festive season. You can relive the glory of our Grand Final victory no less than 5 times (there are five reviews of the game).

Don't judge the book by its cover - we all know he is a knob.

Here’s a teaser to get you salivating:

“Saturday. Early arvo. I am having a couple of nerve-settlers in the cricketers Bar at the Windsor. It’s full of Geelong supporters. We farewell a bloke in his motorised wheelchair about to make his way down Spring Street. Cheers. It’s like Albany in 1914. I walk. A Japanese tourist, a beautiful women in her mid-twenties, has unwittingly worn a clinging blue-and-white hooped top. Geelong fans are stopping to have their photo taken with her. She is utterly, uttlery perplexed…”

To WIN, all you need to do is leave a comment at the bottom of this post with some rhyming slang that ties in with Geelong FC (player, place, anything). Here are a couple to get you started:

• Buddha Hocking - Christmas stocking
• Gary Ablett - Panadol tablet
• Max Rook - Rookery nook
• Austin McCrabb - VB slab

The winning slang, judged by Harmsy this Friday (we haven’t asked him but are hoping he’ll do us a favour!), will take home the bacon. Or Footy Almanac. Well, you know what we mean.

Happy slanging,

The Terrace

Great Chappy snappy

We couldn’t resist sharing this grand-final photo (click here for a closer look) from one anonymous punter. What a great snap (pun most definitely intended)!

Next week: our very first, very special Terrace Christmas competition/giveaway. How exciting!

Happy Friday,

The Terrace